Mr. Quaker

Mr. Quaker is nationally known for his candy bars (he bribes the FDA to call them "granola bars") and oats, which magically appear at Wal-Mart and other lovely places. He's known for being the quiet type, but his other side is disturbing as he is obsessed with politics and ping pong. He's won many Ping Pong matches, and was even featured in The Backyardigans: Blazing Paddles as a mortal freak who was trying to steal the ball from the penguin and that pink-creature. He also has a striking resemblance to the well-known Benjamin Franklin.

His Rise to Prominence
Mr. Quaker was born in a hut along with Aunt Jemima and the Swiss Miss. The three all had different views on what was the most delicious American staple. The Swiss Miss made the first move at financial prosperity and invested her expired chocolate powder to financial gurus in Geneva, and managed to capture the hearts of the Swiss and Roger Federer.

Aunt Jemima went ahead and planted trees to harness the syrup within, gaining the attention of Arbor Day fanatics and the Vermonter tree-hugging hipsters, Ben & Jerry. She hated the press so she decided to buy some acres of Cuba to be both a terrorist prison and a sugar plantation. When Barack Obama promised to close it, he just couldn't due to his wife's maple syrup addiction.

This is where Mr. Quaker comes in. He decided to move to Pennsylvania, adopt the ways of the Quakers, and jockeyed against the Hershey dude to get a town named after himself. He failed. But at least he's still wearing that funny wig.

His Legacy
Mr. Quaker's existence confounds both Jamie Oliver and Richard Dawkins. Jamie insists that Mr. Quaker's fattening oatmeal is dangerous for America's youth, while Richard claims that Mr. Quaker's existential oatmeal managed to disprove all of Richard's books. Mr. Quaker has never liked the British.

His Ping-Pong Obsession
Mr. Quaker is also quite adept at ping pong, America's favorite basement game and China's benchmark for whether you're a valid human being or not. He won his first major tournament in Manchuria, prompting Japanese takeover. He also competed in all the Olympics. His presence in Beijing for the 2008 Olympics made the Chinese SO upset, that they confiscated all his gold medals earned there and gave them underhandedly to Michael Phelps. Poor Mr. Quaker. Maybe he has to branch into the Ramen market next.