Little Debbie

Little Debbie is an atrocious tween girl who has the compulsion to sell her fake, sugary sweets to the world. Her ingenuity prompted the first ever separately packaged snacks, destroying the enviroment and our intestinal tracts. Thanks a lot, Debbie. She is currently hiding out in Cheyenne Mountain, CO, to nuke the Russians or any other Communist with her Cosmic Brownies if they were to launch a warhead at them.

She is also terribly displeased with the Girl Scouts, and is infamous for kidnapping green-cloaked girls everywhere, regardless of their affiliation. Little Red Riding hood chose her particular color so she would be attacked by the Wolf, not by Little Debbie. May your childhood forever be traumatized.

Her History
Little Debbie has the oddest ability of being able to not age, as she was born around the same time Mr. Quaker and kin were. She wasn't born in a hut with them, though. She was born in North Dakota. Her childhood there imprinted all the fresh Segregationalist ideals into her mind. A brief visit to California to see Nancy Pelosi forever changed her impressionable young mind. She vowed to uphold unhealthiness in America, regardless of Michelle Obama's plans to eliminate obesity. You go, Debbie!

Her Impact
Little Debbie introduced her cloying sweet snacks to King Sooper's supermarket franchise in 1987. When people got the first taste of those gooey morsels, they were all suddenly compelled to vote for Pelosi and other Democrats across America. When Sarah Palin stepped in to stop the evil, she was banished to Alaska. Oh no, wait, she moved there. According to CNN. Don't judge our sources.