Bacon

Bacon is a popular food that is nearly as popular as Sliced Bread. It is a fatty substance fried to perfection in its own grease. Mr. Quaker is an avid fan of bacon, but not the bacon itself. He drinks the bacon grease for "health reasons". Everybody was wondering how he grew a beard so fast.

History
Bacon was first introduced by the Icelandic settlers in Maine. They noticed the distinct lack of unhealthfulness there, so they accumstomed the natives to try out their "health" sticks. The irony in this is that McDonald's uses "real" chicken. Heh. Anyway, as the natives tried the greasy morsels, they forsook their berries and fish for bacon and Little Debbie's heinous treats. As Maine got fat, so did the rest of America. So stop blaming fast food.

Pig Rights
However, Icelandic pigs were used to being raised and eventually killed for their unhealthy meat. American pigs were not. When the lazy swine (this is not a Fox News joke, we assure you) of Texas were watching MTV and farmers broke in their pens with hatchets, they had no clue what was up. Now they...do. So, one day, Barack Obama stepped up and took a stand for pig rights (this is not a joke written by Fox News producers to counter our previous not-joke, we assure you). To this day, it is now illegal to kill pigs for their juicy bacon without a permit and a written permission slip from Nancy Pelosi, but only after she's finished being treated to a lard facial by Harry Reid. (Okay, THAT was a joke. Hah. Okay, not really.)